Academic Administrators Leadership Series – Managing Conflict Chris Loschiavo, JD Associate Dean of Students and Director of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution Overview • • • • • Background of presenter The definition of “Conflict” Different styles of conflict Tools for conflict resolution Conflict Resolution options at UF and in the community Background and experiences • • • • • Education My job Certified mediator Mediated student and greek life conflicts Refreshed mediation training at Donald D. Gehring Academy • Expanding conflict resolution options at UF Activity Words that come to mind when you hear the word conflict. Conflict is… • Conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship of value. • Conflict can be resolved so that both parties feel they have “won” and without the need for someone to “lose.” • Conflict signals a need for change/evolution in a relationship. • Conflict can be a healthy and enriching experience, strengthening rather than weakening relationships. • Conflict can be positive and productive, providing opportunities for learning and mutual understanding. Reframing Negative Mindsets Conflict is … Rewarding Stimulating Positive Change Helpful Constructive Collaborative Inevitable Opportunity Creative Enriching Unifying Vital Healthy Growth Win/Win Learning Exciting Productive Perceptions, Assumptions and Values • Perceptions: the individual frames of reference in which we view the world • Assumptions: a guess or conclusion based on perceptions • Values: individual beliefs that we regard highly Breaking Down Conflict • Perceptions, assumptions and values are highly regarded individual beliefs • They are also self imposed barriers to communication that can often inhibit resolution of conflict • To resolve conflict effectively, it helps to consider how our perceptions, assumptions and values are expressed. The three primary components expressed in conflict are: Positions, Interests and Needs The PIN Model of Conflict POSITIONS: What we state we want INTERESTS: What we really want NEEDS: What we must have The PIN Model Consider … Amy and Latrice share an off-campus apartment. Latrice is upset because Amy had a party without telling her and damaged Latrice’s sofa, staining the cushions with food and drinks. Latrice is demanding that Amy pay $600 for a new sofa and that she no longer use any of her belongings, including furniture. Positions (Tip of the Iceberg) What we state we want “You and your friends have no respect for others.” “Quit using my stuff.” “Give me $600 by the end of next week.” Interests (Just under waterline) What we really want “I want the cushions cleaned.” “I want you to be more careful when people are over.” “Let me know when you are having people over.” “Please show me some respect.” Needs (Deep under surface) What we must have “I need to be able to trust my roommate.” “I need to feel respected.” “I need to not have to worry about my stuff when going away for a weekend.” Anger Iceberg • How is anger expressed in the world? • What might the underlying causes be for this expression of anger/violence? Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt The role of Unmet needs in driving conflict • All Violence Is An Expression Of An Unmet Need • How Recognizing Interests/Needs Support Positive Outcomes (Empathy) • CHAMPPP Universal Needs Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt CHAMPPP • • • • • • • CONNECTION HONESTY AUTOMOMY MEANING PEACE PHYSICAL WELLBEING PLAY Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt CONNECTION • • • • • • • • ACCEPTANCE APPRECIATION BELONGING COMMUNICATION CLOSENESS CONSIDERATION EMPATHY INCLUSION LOVE NURTURING RESPECT SAFETY STABILITY SUPPORT UNDERSTOOD TRUST Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt HONESTY • AUTHENTICITY • INTEGRITY • PRESENCE Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt AUTONOMY • • • • • CHOICE FREEDOM INDEPENDENCE SPACE SPONTANEITY Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt MEANING • • • • • • • • AWARENESS CHALLENGE CLARITY CREATIVITY DISCOVERY GROWTH HOPE LEARNING MOURNING PURPOSE SELF EXPRESSION TO MATTER UNDERSTANDING Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt PEACE • • • • • • • BEAUTY COMMUNION EASE EQUALITY HARMONY INSPIRATION ORDER Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt PHYSICAL WELL-BEING • • • • • • AIR SAFETY FOOD SHELTER WATER TOUCH MOVEMENT REST SEXUAL EXPRESSION Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt PLAY • JOY • HUMOR Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt Conflict Styles • • • • • AVOIDANCE ACCOMMODATION COMPETITION COMPROMISE COLLABORATION Everyone has a default style Avoidance “Passive Aggressive” When to Practice: Strategies: • Ignoring the conflict • When issue or relationship is unimportant • Denial of the conflict • When there is no chance of a positive outcome • Evasion of the conflict • Joking about the conflict • When risks of confrontation outweigh benefits of resolution • When other party has greater power • When one or more parties needs time to “cool down” • When it is appropriate to let others resolve conflict • When you’re wrong Avoidance Disadvantages: • Decisions made by default/without input • Issues likely to remain unresolved • Loss of influence in a situation or relationship • Leads to self-doubt and loss of self-esteem • May be unable to deal with conflicts in the future • Demonstrates a lack of caring/investment/credibility Accommodation “The ‘YES” Person” or “People Pleasers” Strategies: When to Practice: • Giving in or giving up • When one is wrong/other is right; wrong person acknowledges and can • Denying one’s own needs give in • Placing harmony over • When there is a desire for harmony in issues the relationship • When relationship is more important than the dispute • When losses can be minimized • When party needs to “save face” • When one wants leverage for future conflict Accommodation Disadvantages: • Requires party to give something up • Issues likely to remain unresolved • Does not generate creative solutions • Can cause frustration and/or resentment when someone accommodates and places harmony over resolution • Creates a loss of influence in situation/relationship • Can damage relationships • Can foster competition over “niceness” • Loss of credibility Competition Type “A” Personality Strategies: • Hostile remarks or jokes • Threats and/or coercion • Denial of own responsibility • Verbal arguments • Physical altercations • Covert actions When to Practice: • When immediate and decisive action is necessary • When the style will be rewarded • When there is no relationship of value • When the issue is more important than the relationship • Where a party needs to prove commitment/strength • When total victory is desired • When competing can bring parties together/make both better Competition Disadvantages: • Strains/damages relationships • Requires that one/both/all be “losers” in conflict • Conflict may escalate • Less likely to use constructive approaches later • May encourage covert actions • Can lead to stalemates • Creates resentment and/or desire for revenge Compromise Strategies: • Both parties give and take to find a “middle ground” • Offer a short-term resolution for “peace-keeping” • Appeals to fair play/fairness • Each person “gives” a little; so each person “looses” a little, too When to Practice: • When a temporary solution is needed • When parties are of equal power • When parties wish to save time and energy • When doing so “seems fair” to all parties Compromise Disadvantages: • Often leaves underlying issues unresolved • Issue may become a recurring problem • Parties required to give something up • One/both/all parties may not be completely satisfied • Becomes an easy way out of creative conflict resolution • Leads to “position padding” Not getting beneath the water of the PIN iceberg! Collaboration Strategies: When to Practice: • Open and honest dialogue that • When the relationship is is positive and constructive important • Willingness to listen to another • When a mutually satisfying view outcome is sought • Emotions dealt with properly • When both views/sides are too important to • Seeking input from other party compromise • Willingness to accept • When underlying issues need responsibility for actions to be addressed • Giving ground without “giving • When one wants to avoid in” (reason v. compromise) destructive means for • Instead of both “giving in” a handling conflict little, you come up with a • When new and creative different solution solutions are desired Collaboration Disadvantages: • Takes more time and energy • Requires both parties to be committed to the process • Makes a party appear unreasonable if he/she later decides against collaboration • A collaborative party may appear weak to an aggressive party Conflict Resolution Tools for YOU Engaging in Healthy Dialogue • • • • • Active & Reflective Listening Being Attentive Summarizing & Restating Reframing You / I Statements Listening Active Listening • Paying Attention • Listen with an open mind Reflective Listening • • • • Demonstrate Empathy Signals understanding Non-verbals: nodding, eye contact Verbals: rephrasing and reframing Attending • • • • • BODY POSTURE EYE CONTACT NONVERBAL BEHAVIORS PAYING ATTENTION AVOID NERVOUS BEHAVIORS Summarizing/Restating • Ability to reflect information back to someone in your own words. • Confirms to the speaker that you were listening to them Restating Question Prefaces: • • • • So you are saying that… In other words… It sounds like you... I’ve heard you say that… Summarizing/Restating Example: Student #1: I am teaching six classes this semester and I don’t have a lot of time. Student #2:You are saying that you are very busy because of your heavy course load. Reframing • To reinterpret a statement or comment into a problem-solving frame. • Restate what is said • Remove negative language • Reframe the discussion from positions to interests Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt Reframing Using reframing to deescalate: • Faculty #1: You’re a liar. You said you would give me the opportunity to run this clinical experience. • Department Chair #2 :It sounds like you are angry because you felt you were promised the opportunity to teach this clinical experience Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt Reframe this statement How would you reframe this to state an interest? • “He’s a liar. Every time he promises to do something he has broken that promise. I can’t trust him.” Reframe this statement How would you reframe this to state an interest? • “John is a jerk. He always disagrees with me. Every time I make a suggestion he criticizes it.” Practice Active Listening and Reframing (content and feelings) Active listening activity • Get with a partner. For 1 minute, one of you describe a conflict that is going on in your department. The second person, should display poor active listening skills (interrupt and offer suggestions, don’t pay attention). Then we will switch. • For 1 minute, the next person will describe a conflict in their department. The second person should be listening and should engage in active listening and reframing. “I” vs “You” Statements • Use "I" statements when describing the problem to avoid criticizing or placing blame. • For instance, say “I feel angry when you interrupt what I am saying in our departmental staff meeting," instead of, “You are disrespectful of me!" • To do otherwise will likely upset the other person and escalate tensions. “I” vs “You” Statements “You” statements tend to attack and/or place blame • “You never show any concern for my feelings!” “I” statements tend to have the speaker assume responsibility for her or his feelings. • “I feel angry when you talk with Sally instead of listening to what I have to say in our staff meetings.” “I” vs “You” Statements How could you re-word this? • “You really tick me off when you dominate conversations.” Poisons in Communication Some words and phrases are more likely to be perceived as rude, abrasive, or insulting, and make it easier for the listener to act in a defensive or retaliatory manner. These are considered poisons in communication and offer a good opportunity for reframing or questioning. Poisons in Communication Commands • • • • • You should… You shouldn’t… You will… You can’t… You must… Comparisons •You’re just like… •You’re nothing like… •She would never… •If I were you I’d … Poisons in Communication Exaggerations • Always • Never • Constantly • Everybody • Nobody • Six times = two • Weeks = days Other Poisons •Shaming •Ignoring •Name-calling •Threatening •Blaming •Contempt •Anger Anger Anger is: • A physical or psychological defense against something • A response to not getting what we want • A response to our belief that we are being violated in some way Managing Anger • • • • • • Check your own emotions and don’t get angry Acknowledge the anger (Validate) Restate / Reframe Questions Take a Break Move on to something else Empathy An unwavering presence that enables a deep and meaningful connection with another person. Reflecting another’s feelings, interests and needs without any judgment or evaluation. Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt The ladder of inference • See handouts Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt What power dynamics are present in your department? Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt Some dynamics to think about • • • • • • Department Chair and faculty Tenured faculty and non-tenured Adjuncts Faculty and staff Faculty and students others/? Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt Scenario • You are the Department Chair and there is a conflict in your department regarding services provided by your administrative support staff. Some of your faculty feel as though one of their colleagues is monopolizing her time and they have come to you. They are angry because they feel as though they don’t have the same support as this other faculty member. What would you do? Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt UF Conflict Resolution Options • What we currently offer and how it is accessed • Mediation demonstration (video) http://www.dso.ufl.edu/sccr/video/mediation.mpg • Where we are headed Questions?