A Topic Guide for Facilitating Video Group Discussions Prepared by Peter D. Weller, Ph.D. Chairman, Caribbean Male Action Network For RISE/ UNFPA 2010 Men for a Difference Engaging Boys and Youth And Men The Men for A Difference Guide and Manual Acknowledgements This Manual was adapted from material and manuals developed by: CariMAN Champions for Change CariMAN YouthMAnTalk Compendium Partnership for Peace (UNWomen); You, Your Life, Your Dreams (Family Care International, UNFPA, CARICOM); The Peer Counseling Manual (Counseling Unit, UWI, Mona); Engendering Sexual and Reproductive Health (UNFPA and Ministry of Community Development, Culture and Gender Affairs, Trinidad and Tobago); The YMCA MenTouring Project (Trinidad and Tobago); The Men for A Difference Guide and Manual The power point guide provides slides to be used in training advocates as “Men for a Difference”. The slides may also be used in community outreach interventions as appropriate. The accompanying Manual is a living document and should be continuously updated to include any new developments in Gender, Sexuality and Development issues including those affecting sexual and reproductive health of women, men, girls and boys. The Manual provides additional training and reference material. Focussing and Awareness Raising The Following slides may be used to guide ice- breaking and basic sensitization initiatives as appropriate for the group. Additional activities are available in the Manual. SETTING THE STAGE: PARADIGMS, MINDSETS AND PERCEPTIONS OBJECTIVE: TO HELP PARTICIPANTS UNDERSTAND THAT HOW THEY “SEE” THINGS DEPENDS ON HOW THEY “LOOK” AT THINGS AND THAT IN TURN DEPENDS ON HOW THEY HAVE BEEN TAUGHT/ PROGRAMMED TO PERCEIVE THINGS. THINGS MAY MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE DEPENDING ON HOW THEY SEE THESE THINGS AND THE MEANINGS THEY ASCRIBE TO WHAT THEY OBSERVE. IF WE ARE TO MAKE INFORMED CHOICES WE HAVE TO OPEN OUR MINDS TO NEW INFORMATION AND NEW MEANINGS SETTING THE STAGE: PARADIGMS, MINDSETS AND PERCEPTIONS THE IMAGE OF AN OLDER WOMAN AND YOUNGER WOMAN IS A CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF THIS PERCEPTUAL ISSUE. THE STORY OF THE PIG IS ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF PARADIGMS, PERCEPTIONS AND DECISION-MAKING BEHAVIOUR THE WOMEN Ask participants to look at the picture and to describe the woman they see. Point out that one can see an older woman and one can also see a younger woman. Explain that this may be the result of a number of factors: It may be because of what aspect you noticed first It may be because of your experience It may be because of your personality Paradigms Influencing Gaining Success: THE PIGS Relate the following story to the participants: A young man, Dave, was driving along a familiar road somewhere in his rural Caribbean community on his way to work as usual As he came to a particularly deep and sharp corner he saw another car approaching around the corner on his side of the road and about to crash into him. Upset, he blew the horn loudly. The other driver, a woman, also blew the horn and as she passed looked at him and shouted “PIG!!!” Dave then cursed the driver and ended up crashing the car. UNDERSTANDING THE STORY OF THE PIG Ask BYM to explain what happened and why. Get all the responses e.g. he was going too fast, he got angry and lost control, he crashed into the woman’s car, women can’t drive properly, he wasn’t paying attention etc Commend the response, if given, that he hit the PIG she was warning him about – she wasn’t cursing him as he may have thought! Discuss how his perceptions e.g. familiarity with the road, beliefs about women drivers, mood etc could have influenced his interpretation of her warning shout: PIG!! LEARNING NEW WAYS TO LOOK AT THINGS THE IMAGE OF “THE WOMAN” AND THE STORY OF THE “PIG” ARE EXAMPLES OF PARADIGMS, PERCEPTIONS AND HOW THEY MAY AFFECT OUR DECISION-MAKING BEHAVIOUR: THINGS MAY HAVE DIFFERENT MEANINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE DEPENDING ON HOW THEY SEE THEM AND THE MEANINGS THEY ASCRIBE TO WHAT THEY OBSERVE WILL INFLUENCE THEIR BEHAVIOUR. Getting to Know Yourself - Self Awareness Activity Inside-Outside Materials: Each participant needs a piece of paper and several crayons. Participants are asked to fold the paper in half. On the inside they are asked to draw a picture which represents the "real me". On the outside they are asked to make a drawing which represents what others see of them. They are then to write three key words which describe them as they have represented themselves in the drawing. Each participant is asked to explain the drawing to the rest of the group. The activity is processed and discussion includes looking at the issue of masks, defenses, trust and implications for interpersonal dynamics and impact as an advocate. OBJECTIVES Responding to Boys/Youth/Men’s (BYM) concerns about SEXUAL ITY and GBV by: Providing Information Exploring Attitudes Teaching Skills Facilitating Decision Making Processes Promoting Advocay Facilitator Objectives Define gender and sexuality and specific sexual behaviour Identify origins of sexual beliefs and attitudes Discuss the different ways in which men and women may relate sexually Examine cultural attitudes to gender Examine attitudes to violence generally and sexual violence in particular Explore healthy behavioural choices PARADIGMS AND MINDSETS: LEARNING ABOUT SEX AND VIOLENCE LET’S LOOK BACK AT WHAT WE LEARNED ABOUT SEX AND SEXUALITY AND VIOLENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS LET’S GET SOME NEW INFORMATION LET’S SEE HOW A NEW PERSPECTIVE MAY HELP US IMPROVE OUR UNDERSTANDING AND MAKE HEALTHIER CHOICES LETS SEE HOW WE CAN HELP OTHERS CHANGE SEX, GENDER AND DEVELOPMENT Providing Information Exploring Attitudes Teaching Skills Facilitating Decision Making Processes MYTHS: GENDER AND SEX Myth: Gender and Sex mean the same thing and can be used interchangeably. Fact: Sex can mean both the sexual act… “Wanna have sex?” and the biological category of identity – whether a person is born male or female, What is your sex? The basic categories of sex are: Male: born with the penis and testes and other physically identifiable male sexual organs; Female: born with the vagina, ovaries, and other physically identifiable female sexual organs; eventually develops breasts. Intersex: born with some form of both male and female sexual organs. Sex and Gender, what is the difference? Sex : biological and physiological characteristics that make men and women distinct; e.g. reproductive organs, chromosomes, hormones Gender : socially constructed roles, relationships, responsibilities, values, attitudes and forms of power that assigned to women and men, boys and girls; e.g. men are ”macho”; women are the “weaker sex” Gender is learned, context-specific (varies from one culture to another) and is dynamic/changeable Gender Roles and Stereotypes Social and cultural expectations People’s adoption of what is expected of their gender from social peers Strong social expectations for example exist in regards to How one dresses as a male or female How one carries oneself in terms of their body “walk like a man” How one speaks – a deep voice for men, a higher voice for women When one marries – that by 30 years old males should marry, regardless of their sexual attractions, desires, etc. Human Sexuality Pilot Draft – Has Not Been Revised Module 320 Gender Roles and Stereotypes Roles – e.g. productive, reproductive and community management Roles are Socialized by norms , values and beliefs Norms are societal expectations related to acceptable attitudes and behaviors of men and women, boys and girls Roles and Stereotypes may limit people’s opportunities especially if they internalize the beliefs The DEFINITIONS “Violence against women” means any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivations of liberty, whether occurring in public or private life. Violence against women shall be understood to encompass, but not be limited to, the following: Physical, sexual and psychological violence occurring in the family, including battering, sexual abuse of female children in the household, dowry-related violence, 1993 United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women THE CARIBBEAN CONTEXT Gender based violence is violence that is directed against a person on the basis of sex. It includes acts that inflict physical, mental, emotional or sexual harm or suffering, threats of such acts, coercion and other deprivations of liberty. While women, girls, men and boys can be victims of gender based violence, women and girls are the main victims. Gender-based violence (GBV) reflects and reinforces inequalities between men and women and compromises the health, dignity, security and autonomy of its victims. Dr. Rosina Wiltshire CARICOM Gender Advocate THE CARIBBEAN CONTEXT All CARICOM Member States are party to CEDAW (Convention on the Elimination of all Forms of Discrimination Against Women) and consensus documents such as the Beijing Platform for Action (BPfA), the Millennium Development Goals (MDGs). Further, the CARICOM Charter of Civil Society notes, those women have the right to legal protection including just and effective remedies against domestic violence, sexual abuse and sexual harassment. Statistics Crime Trends Survey: All countries in the Caribbean for which data was available, experienced rape rates that were among the highest in the world. The global average of reported rapes was reflected as 15 per 100,000, the Bahamas topped the world average with 133; The next Caribbean country was St Vincent and the Grenadines with 112, Followed by Jamaica with a rate of 51 STATISTICS AND CULTURE In addition to the high prevalence, there is a culture of normalcy. There is no outrage in communities, and the legal system is complicit Only 1% of reported rapes in Guyana and 3% in Trinidad and Tobago result in convictions. Furthermore, it is important to note, that a high percentage of rapes is not reported. This culture of normalcy has been reinforced by too many of us The CARICOM Gender Advisor states that: “Gender based violence stands out as a systemic and systematic violation of human rights and as an obstacle to economic, social and democratic development in all countries. Violence in the home is also the seed bed for societal violence. The gains of the Caribbean are being systematically threatened by the growing levels of violence in the region. If we wish to curb the growing insecurity in the region we have to address the problem at its root.” Forms of Gender Based Violence (GBV) against women Physical abuse Sexual demands/forced sexual intimacy by superiors within the work setting Sexual coercion, especially against children or adolescents Emotional/psychological abuse (forms of humiliation, intimidation, psychological degradation, verbal aggression, deprivation of freedom and rights, domestic incarceration etc) Sexual trafficking Forced pregnancy, sterilization or abortion Forced use or non-use of contraception Economic violence (economic blackmail, taking money the woman earns in order to have absolute control ) Values and Attitude Clarification Where do you stand? PURPOSE: To explore gender attitudes. TIME: variable MATERIALS: List of statements, 2 signs : AGREE and DISAGREE Explain that you will read out some statements. If they agree, participants should go to one end of the room. If they disagree, they should go to the other end of the room. If they are not sure, they should stay in the middle of the room. SAMPLE STATEMENTS Women should fulfill men’s sexual needs. Women have weaker sexual desires than men. Men prove their manhood by having many female partners. Young men should know more about sex than young women. Men should have more than one female partner in their lifetime. Men are emotionally stronger than women. Sex is more important to young men than young women. SAMPLE STATEMENTS The death penalty should be abolished Beating a child is OK Whenever a woman says no to sex you should stop. In a family, the man should be the head of the household The Bible gives men permission to use force on women. Some women like to be hit. Rape is more about violence than about sex INSTRUCTIONS When they have moved to their chosen place in the room, ask one from each end of the room to give reasons for their choice. Tell the group that they can change their mind and move after hearing other people’s reasons. Additional participants may be asked to share as time allows When you have gone through all the statements, bring the group back together and discuss what they think: Where do we get these ideas from? Did anyone change their mind after hearing what some one else said? Why did they change their mind? What effect can these attitudes and beliefs have on relationships? Socio-Cultural Issues to be Discussed: Gender roles Traditions Biblical/ Religious bases Media Music Movies Corporal Punishment Parenting Man and Woman Business Civic and Personal Responsibility Mr Edwards goes to the doctor’ (Activity/ Discussion) ‘What is your job?’ asked the doctor. ‘I am a worker’ replied Mr Edwards ‘You have any children?’ the doctor asked. ‘I have been blessed with seven so far’, Mr Edwards answered ‘Does your wife work?’ ‘No, she stays at home’. I see. How does she spend the day?’ ‘Well she gets up at about 4:30 in the morning, gets water from the standpipe, gets the children up, fixes breakfast and tidys the house. Then she looks about washing the clothes. At least three times a week she may go to the market to sell a little produce we have growing on a piece of land behind the house. She will buy what she needs, then come back to fix some lunch.’ ‘Mr Edwards goes to the doctor’ (Activity/ Discussion) You come home at midday?’ ‘Sometimes, depending on what day it is and if anything is happening with my pardners.’ ‘What does she do after lunch?’ ‘She will go to the spot of land we have and do some weeding, spraying, whatever is necessary to keep the crops healthy.’ What do you do?’ ‘Generally after I finish my work I go and discuss business with my pardners in the bar.’ ‘And after that?’ ‘I go home for dinner which my wife has prepared.’ ‘Does she go to bed after dinner?’ ‘Nah, but sometimes I do, she has the children to look about, make sure everything is washed and tidy ready for the next day. Probably gets to bed around ten o’ clock.’ ‘ ‘But I thought you said your wife doesn’t work.’ ‘Of course she doesn’t work. I told you she stays at home.’ Prompting questions for ‘Mr Edwards goes to the doctor.’ What responsibilities does his wife have at home? What responsibilities does she have outside of the household? Throughout the day, whom does this woman care for? Does she have any leisure time? Why? What do you think of the life of this ‘housewife’? Imagine what other members of her family do. Why? From this story what do you think about women’s double responsibility? What can be done to help every society member recognize the contributions of all other members, including women? SEXUALITY and SEXUAL BEHAVIOURS Providing Information Exploring Attitudes Teaching Skills Facilitating Decision Making Processes Sexuality: Activity Write the words: Sex, Sexual Behaviour, Sexuality and STIs on flipchart Ask participants to say what these words mean to them. Discuss the general use of the term SEX and emphasize the different meanings e.g. gender, the act, etc. SEXUAL BEHAVIOURS: ACTIVITY 1 Sexual Behaviours are a group of actions and related thoughts and feelings: Ask participants to brainstorm sexual behaviours and list each one on a separate flipchart page e.g.: Sexual intercourse (penis in vagina) Oral sex (man on woman, woman on man, same sex) Anal Sex (penis in anus of man or woman) Masturbation Kissing Touching/ feeling up/Fondling Use participants’ reactions to identify the thoughts and feelings that go with these actions e.g. normal ,bad, disgusting, wrong etc SEXUAL BEHAVIOURS: ACTIVITY 2 Ask participants to brainstorm common terms used in their community to describe the sex organs and these sexual behaviours list them on a separate flipchart page under the headings: Penis Vagina Sexual intercourse (penis in vagina) Oral sex (man on woman, woman on man, same sex) Anal Sex (penis in anus of man or woman) Masturbation Kissing Touching/ feeling up/Fondling SEXUAL ATTITUDES AND BELIEFS (ACTIVITY) Where Do Our Sexual Attitudes and Beliefs come from? Assign each participant to a partner and have them answer the following questions then report back to the larger group. WHEN did we first hear about sex? WHO did we first hear about sex from? WHERE did we first hear about sex? WHAT did we first hear about sex? FACILITATOR NOTES: Facilitator briefly discusses in large group: How did these sources influence us then and now? ( If a mixed age group: How have things changed between generations?) SEXUALITY One way of looking at sexuality is to consider it in three parts: a person’s relationship with him or herself: including personal fantasy and masturbation; a person’s relationship with other people, or their sexual orientation: the intimate and sexual relationships we have with other people; a person’s relationship with his or her community: how we express our sexuality to others and how society affects that expression Human Sexuality (yet another way..) A core aspect of being human throughout life encompassing sex, gender identities and roles, sexual orientation, emotional attachment, intimacy, eroticism, pleasure, and reproduction. Sexuality is experienced and expressed in thoughts, fantasies, desires, beliefs, attitudes, values, behaviours, practices, roles and relationships. SEX AND DECISIONMAKING SKILLS DIMENSIONS OF HEALTHY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS MATURITY Need to know yourself Need to know what you want in life Need to know priorities MUTUALITY Need to be agreed on b both Need to be rewarding to both MANAGEMENT Need to work to keep it healthy ABC(DE)s in Sexual Relationships A-attraction: initial feelings of attraction are often based on visual impressions. B-building: similarities in attitudes, and liking motivate us to build relationships C-continuation: once established a relationship may continue if there is variety, caring, positive evaluations and mutual satisfaction. Jealousy is a threat to the continuation of relationships. D-deterioration: failure to invest time and energy, relationship not as satisfying to both parties (not inevitable). E-ending: occurs when negatives outweigh the positives. For various reasons parties may not end relationships even though it has deteriorated. WHAT IS UNWANTED SEX? Unwanted sex includes a number of different things. It can be: • Unwanted sexual touches or contact. This is sexual abuse. • Unwanted sexual comments or gestures. This is sexual harassment. • Forced sexual intercourse. This is rape. Rapists can be complete strangers, but usually they are someone the victim knows—such as a friend, acquaintance, neighbour, or relative. HOW DO I PROTECT MYSELF FROM UNWANTED SEX? The best way to protect yourself is to learn how to recognise and avoid situations where you are at risk for unwanted sex: • Avoid relationships with older adults. These relationships put you at great risk for STIs/HIV and pregnancy because these relationships are not equal. You may not have the power to say “No” to sexual contact or to make the older person use a condom. • Trust your instincts. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable or nervous, leave the person immediately. Your feelings are important warning signals. Don’t ignore them. • Do not ever be alone with someone you do not know well and trust. It is better to go out with groups of friends and stay with the group. • Know your own limits and make sure your boyfriend or girlfriend understands them. • Don’t take drugs or alcohol. HOW DO I COPE WITH UNWANTED SEX? Be assertive. Don’t leave any doubt that you mean “No” when you say “No”. Do not give the impression that you want to be convinced or coaxed. Sometimes rape happens despite a person’s best efforts to protect herself or himself. If this happens, you need to get medical care and counselling right away. Do not bathe before receiving medical care so you can have evidence in case you choose to go to the police. Most importantly, do not blame yourself. It was not your fault. Give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally. What are LIFE SKILLS? Life skills are abilities that will help us act on our values and principles. • Talk about our feelings. Our feelings are important, but other people may not understand how we feel unless we tell them. Learn how to let others know what you think and want by being direct and by using statements that start with “I”: “I wish,” “I would like,” “I need,” “I don’tlike...” Practice using “I” statements until you feel comfortable saying them. • Communicate what we feel. We usually have good reasons for feeling the way we do and it’s important to learn how to get those reasons across to others without putting people down or making them feel bad by being unkind, aggressive, or overly critical. • Know what we think and stand by, no matter what other people say. Everyone has beliefs about what is right and wrong. These beliefs are called principles. Sometimes we may know exactly what our principles are, while other times things aren’t as clear and we may have to carefully think through what is right for us and why. It is alright to feel unsure and if we do, we can talk it out with someone we trust. When we are clear about what we think is right and why, we’ll be able to stand up for what we believe in.. Life skills • Learn to make good decisions under pressure. Making good decisions means carefully weighing all our choices and thinking about their consequences. It can be hard to do this if someone is rushing us or putting pressure on us to decide quickly. One important part of making good decisions is being clear about our principles and our overall goals in life. Another important part of decision making is giving ourselves the time we need. Remember, we can always tell someone: “I need to think about this. Let me get back to you.” Assertiveness, creative thinking, problem solving, decision making, coping, and self-awareness are examples of life skills GENDER BASED VIOLENCE “Violence against women” means any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivations of liberty, whether occurring in public or private life. Violence against women shall be understood to encompass, but not be limited to, the following: physical, sexual and psychological violence occurring in the family, including battering, sexual abuse of female children in the household, dowry-related violence, 1993 United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women Forms of gender based violence against women Physical abuse Sexual demands/forced sexual intimacy by superiors within the work setting Sexual coercion, especially against children or adolescents Emotional/psychological abuse (forms of humiliation, intimidation, psychological degradation, verbal aggression, deprivation of freedom and rights, domestic incarceration etc) Sexual trafficking Forced pregnancy, sterilization or abortion Forced use or non-use of contraception Economic violence (economic blackmail, taking money the woman earns in order to have absolute control ) THE CARIBBEAN CONTEXT Gender based violence is violence that is directed against a person on the basis of sex. It includes acts that inflict physical, mental, emotional or sexual harm or suffering, threats of such acts, coercion and other deprivations of liberty. While women, girls, men and boys can be victims of gender based violence, women and girls are the main victims. Gender-based violence (GBV) reflects and reinforces inequalities between men and women and compromises the health, dignity, security and autonomy of its victims. Dr. Rosina Wiltshire CARICOM Gender Advocate THE CARIBBEAN CONTEXT All CARICOM Member States are party to CEDAW (Convention on the Elimination of all Forms of Discrimination Against Women) and consensus documents such as the Beijing Platform for Action (BPfA), the Millennium Development Goals (MDGs). Further, the CARICOM Charter of Civil Society notes, those women have the right to legal protection including just and effective remedies against domestic violence, sexual abuse and sexual harassment. Statistics Crime Trends Survey: All countries in the Caribbean for which data was available, experienced rape rates that were among the highest in the world. The global average of reported rapes was reflected as 15 per 100,000, the Bahamas topped the world average with 133; The next Caribbean country was St Vincent and the Grenadines with 112, Followed by Jamaica with a rate of 51 STATISTICS AND CULTURE In addition to the high prevalence, there is a culture of normalcy. There is no outrage in communities, and the legal system is complicit Only 1% of reported rapes in Guyana and 3% in Trinidad and Tobago result in convictions. Furthermore, it is important to note, that a high percentage of rapes is not reported. This culture of normalcy has been reinforced by too many of us The CARICOM Gender Advisor states that: “Gender based violence stands out as a systemic and systematic violation of human rights and as an obstacle to economic, social and democratic development in all countries. Violence in the home is also the seed bed for societal violence. The gains of the Caribbean are being systematically threatened by the growing levels of violence in the region. If we wish to curb the growing insecurity in the region we have to address the problem at its root.” FACILITATION GUIDE: “BULL IN A PEN” The Following Slides provide guidelines for facilitating discussions around each scenario depicted in the “Bull in a Pen” video. The video has been edited so that each segment can be shown individually if there is a particular topic you wish to engage your audience in examining. In subsequent slides you will find a brief description of the themes, animating questions and key summary points to guide your facilitation. N.B. YOU WILL PROBABLY IDENTIFY OTHER ISSUES FOR DISCUSSION, PLEASE DISCUSS AS RELEVANT FACILITATION GUIDE: “BULL IN A PEN” Purpose: To raise awareness To examine positions To think outside the box To examine cultural context To highlight conflicting belief systems and attitudes To explore implications of beliefs and actions To learn new decision making skills To reinforce healthy norms “BULL IN A PEN”: Basic Processing Guide for each Scene Ask for initial reactions to video scene and Summarize Ask for reactions to other people’s reactions and Summarize Explore why they feel the way they do about the scene Identify any conflicting beliefs and attitudes Point out key themes identified and any not mentioned How can the community address the problem(s) identified? How can we (especially as men) help to facilitate the change - take the lead in our spaces? ASK THEM TO IDENTIFY THE TAKE AWAY MESSAGE “BULL IN A PEN”: De Bible seh Themes: Many of our behaviours are based on religious beliefs These become entrenched in our cultures and identity Some religious “rules” may seem contradictory Sometimes we don’t even examine the reasoning behind our beliefs and their implications Some people feel that if you question one part of their religious belief system you are not only challenging their whole religion but you are also challenging their identity. “BULL IN A PEN”: Possible Questions (Christian context): Why do some choose to base behaviour on one part of the Bible and ignore other parts: E.g. “man as head/ woman weaker vessel” vs “rib taken from the side as partner/ sacrificial love” imagery ? Why do men seem to want to be more like “God” (dominant/judgemental) than like “Christ” (caring/forgiving)? Why doesn’t the church do more to prevent GBV? Summary Points: Role of culture and tradition in maintaining certain attitudes Unexamined attitudes and beliefs prevent behaviour change Negative and positive effects of peer pressure “BULL IN A PEN”: A soh dem love it (Porn) Themes: What is considered normal and acceptable sexual behaviour is changing Pornography and other media are influencing behaviours The language of sex in Jamaica and the pornographic images have become more violent Many men feel that sexual drives cannot be controlled if you are a “real man” Peer pressure and hype influence behavioural choices “BULL IN A PEN”: Possible Questions: Can men control their sexual urges? Have men become more aggressive and violent in their sex behaviour? Porn images are driven by and fuel men’s fantasies , but what do women want? Can a “real man” stop when a women says no? How is a man treated when he speaks out against sexual violence? How can we support this positive behaviour? Summary Points: We need to understand the increasing link between sex and violence We need to examine how younger people are learning to see sex. We need to help men see that these attitudes can lead to abuse We need to understand how women may encourage these beliefs “BULL IN A PEN”: Daans Kiaraal Daans Themes: Some men do not think of the implications of their gender attitudes The way they behave towards women who are/could be sexual partners is disconnected from how they relate to women who are relatives Behaviour in your peer group is influenced by the norms but may have unintended and devastating implications. Our words have power even when we don’t realize it Each of us can be part of positive peer pressure or we can be part of negative peer pressure “BULL IN A PEN”: Daans Kiaraal Daans Possible Questions: What if it was your sister? What if you have grown up seeing the violence, incest, etc? Does it become less important less painful? How does a man feel when it happens to sister, daughter - family member he loves? Do men connect their behaviour among peers with how behaviours are perceived by their community and what other men do? Do men understand the impact of their actions? Summary Points: Words have power and each of us influences others Empathy must be developed if we are to understand the experiences of others Men need to examine the origins of their sexual beliefs if they are to change their behaviour “BULL IN A PEN”: Taak to mi Themes: Abusive behaviour takes many forms Women can abuse men Two wrongs don’t make a right Assertiveness does not require aggressiveness Aggression and violence are part of a cycle At each point in an interaction each of us can choose to be peaceful “BULL IN A PEN”: Taak to mi Possible Questions: Are women becoming more aggressive in relationships? How? Do they think that this is part of gender equality? How are men responding? Do men feel they have to “fight back” to prove their manhood and show who is in control? Why? Summary Points: Self awareness leads to better understanding of needs Winning a fight doesn’t make you more of a man Negotiation and compromise need to be promoted “BULL IN A PEN”: Themes: Some men do experience ambivalence and conflict about multiple relationships Peer approval maintains certain behaviours Men do not want their virility = masculinity questioned The need to be seen as in control is important to many men Trust and vulnerability are important The idea of women uniting is a big fear for some men “BULL IN A PEN”: Dobl Burna Possible Questions: What is motivating him? What is he trying to achieve or prevent? What would happen if he didn’t care about how it would look to his friends? Why do men care so much about what their friend’s think? Why don’t men trust women? Why don’t women unite more to confront men like this? Summary Points: Many choices men make are so as to boost self esteem and maintain their egos. Men are influenced by the perceptions of peers. Some men are more afraid of rejection and being hurt than of the other consequences of their choices. Some men don’t trust women and so make choices based on expectations of betrayal. “BULL IN A PEN”: Cleaving of Mrs Dr Fisher 1 Themes: GBV and Sexual abuse can happen to anyone There is always a rationale that the abuser and abused have for what is happening and so they justify/explain it Some people are more vulnerable to abuse because of their low self esteem Our culture sets certain expectations regarding the roles in domestic relationships “BULL IN A PEN”: Possible Questions: What might be the origins of the doctor’s attitudes/ behaviours? Do you think he would say he wants to make her unhappy? What might be the origins of Mrs. Fisher’s attitudes? Why doesn’t she leave the relationship? Do you think friends and family know what is going on? How do you think they have reacted/ responded? Summary Points: The dynamics in domestic relationships can be complicated Understanding them is important if you want to help. “BULL IN A PEN”: Cleaving of Mrs Dr Fisher 2 Themes: Things can change but it may take time Being aware of choices can make a big difference Sometimes people have to be ready to change so don’t give up Self awareness and support can lead to change “BULL IN A PEN”: Cleaving of Mrs Dr Fisher 2 Possible Questions: Do you think friends and family were concerned for her safety? Why didn’t they intervene? Do you think Mrs Fisher’s life was at risk? What made Mrs Fisher ready to change her situation? How does counselling help? What was the motivation for the Doctor to try to change? Summary Points: Change is possible even in such a difficult relationship There are various ways to help Even a small intervention may lead to change Knowing about available resources can help you facilitate change “BULL IN A PEN”: Hooker and Hooked Themes: Effect of Growing up in a Violent family environment What parents teach children about relationships Father/daughter relationships Incest and its effects Factors influencing Sexuality and Self esteem Learned Helplessness Similar experiences can lead to different outcomes depending on the choices you make “BULL IN A PEN”: Hooker and Hooked Possible Questions: How did the family relationships influence her? Why do you think the father did what he did? What do you think her relationship was like with her mother? How common is incest and why is it so hard to talk about? What other early experiences can affect how we deal with relationships and sexuality? Summary Points: Judge not: you never know where people are coming from We all need to tell our stories and be heard. Having someone listen to you can facilitate healing Share your story it may make a big difference in someone’s life “BULL IN A PEN”: Sorry Baby Themes: The importance of community intervention to protect Aggressive responses can become a pattern and way of life There is a cycle of abuse that can be broken Each experience is an opportunity for a new response Understanding this process can help the community choose when and how to intervene and to set standards of acceptable behaviour “BULL IN A PEN”: Possible Questions: Why don’t people usually want to intervene in “man and woman business”? When are people most likely to intervene? What does this say about what we value/ what is important to us? Why do you think he intervened? What are some of the things that the community could have done at different times? Summary Points: We need to examine our principles and do what is right Joint action is stronger and safer Prevention (early intervention) is better than cure “BULL IN A PEN”: You mek it Themes: The consequences of both action and of inaction may be deadly We don’t have to learn lessons the hard way We can learn from the experience of others We need to learn self control – we always have choices We need to help each other make better choices “BULL IN A PEN”: Possible Questions: Why did he blame her? Why didn’t he feel he had any choice? Why do you think no-one helped her? Has this ever happened in your community? What do you think of the “reasonings” given by the men and women? Summary Points: Breaking the cycle of violence takes work We have to examine our own feelings and beliefs and then all work together to make the changes “BULL IN A PEN”: Some Important Processing Issues Each of the scenarios may generate varying degrees of interest and varying responses: Facilitators need to monitor and moderate how much time is spent on a particular issue/interpretation and ensure that the discussion is meeting the general objectives as well as the specific needs of the group Emotional reactions may also vary as some may have experienced first hand the violent relationships portrayed Facilitators need to be prepared to provide support and a safe space for those who may become upset.