15 Romantic Love

Report
Are You Really In Love?
Answer True or False….
 I will only feel complete and whole when I’m with him/her.
 I will know the moment I see the person if he/she is the right one.
 If we love each other enough, nothing will break us up.
 I won’t ever be attracted to anyone else because of my love.
 We won’t have to work hard at the relationship if it’s true love.
 My partner will fulfill most or all of my needs and insecurities.
 The sex can’t be awesome unless it is true love.
How Many True Responses Did You
Have?
Mostly True
 Your ideas about romantic love
are so off that you have
probably gotten your heart
broken over and over again.
 You likely have an unrealistic
and distorted view of love from
watching TV, movies, reading
novels, etc.
 You probably put your partner
on too high of a pedestal.
 You may be afraid of conflict or
blame your partner for letting
you down.
Mostly False
 You have a realistic
understanding of love
relationships and realize
that love is not enough to
make a relationship work.
 It takes common values,
communication, hard work,
and compatibility.
Compatibility: How you resonate with
your partner in different areas of life
 1. Physical Style (appearance, personal fitness, and hygiene)
 2. Emotional Style (attitude toward romance, affectionate, supportive,
faithful)
 3. Intellectual Style (educational background, enjoys learning, attitude
toward world affairs, creativity)
 4. Social Style (personality traits, interaction with others, sense of
humor)
 5. Sexual Style (enjoys sex, likes to cuddle, easily aroused with no hangups)
 6. Communication Style (verbally articulate, good listener, attitude
toward communication, expresses thoughts and feelings)
Compatibility continued…
 7. Spiritual Style (believes in God or higher power, has moral
views, open to the mystical and different philosophies of life,
compassionate toward less fortunate)
 8. Personal Growth Style (attitude toward self-improvement,
wants to learn about self and change for the better, sees own
shortcomings, attends seminars)
 9. Financial Style (relationship with money, attitude toward
success, hard worker, ambitious career, honest and ethical,
financially responsible)
 10. Interests and Hobbies (enjoys music, dance, movies,
travel, or whatever you are interested in).
Romantic Love Myths

LOVE CONQUERS ALL.........love is not
enough. Is there sexual chemistry,
fidelity, abuse, common religion, age?
etc.

THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUE LOVE OR
SOUL MATE FOR YOU.

LOVE OCCURS WHEN IT’S “LOVE AT
FIRST SIGHT.” These junkies often
look for all the wrong qualities and
overlook the right ones.

YOU WILL BE COMPLETELY
FULFILLED IN EVERY WAY.

POWERFUL SEXUAL CHEMISTRY
EQUALS LOVE.

These love myths make us choose the
wrong people and fail in our relations.
Origins of Love Choice Decisions
Childhood Experience
Love Choice Decision
 Mom and Dad always fought
 I have to be good/not get
angry so I don’t make
people mad.
 My parents got divorced
when I was young.
 I’m not lovable enough and
it is my fault.
 Dad was never home and
cheated.
 Mom was a “rage-aholic”
and moody.
 Men can’t be trusted and
women are doormats.
 It’s not safe to express
myself. I can’t make
people upset.
Why Do We Attract to Others?
 Why would you attract to somebody who was: emotionally unavailable,
abusive, immature, dramatic?
 Have you ever vowed to never get involved with the same type of
boyfriend/girlfriend as you had before?

We consciously seek out positive qualities of our parents and
unconsciously seek out the negative qualities so we can heal ourselves
and become whole.
 A man who had a critical mother will attract to a woman who is critical
so he can heal that part of him.
 We have this “love Image” that we project onto our partner and
exaggerate the likenesses, diminish the differences, and distort the
truth so they will fit into this image.
 We attract to the same level of health in somebody that we are at.
The 6 Wrong Reasons for Starting
a Relationship
1. PRESSURE FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS (age pressure)
2. LONELINESS AND DESPERATION (poor love choices)
3. DISTRACTION FROM YOUR OWN LIFE (avoiding conflict)
4. TO AVOID GROWING UP (want to be cared for)
5. FEELINGS OF GUILT (don’t want to hurt their feelings)
6. TO FILL AN EMOTIONAL OR SPIRITUAL EMPTINESS
(you’ll remain empty if you don’t fill it yourself)
The 8 Categories of Relationships
That Won’t Work
1. YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH YOUR PARTNER’S
POTENTIAL – “Do you find yourself saying…………

“My partner just needs more time to get it together.”

“I seem to believe in them more than they do.”

“They will be devastated if I leave them now.”

“My love can change them.”

“Everyone misunderstands my partner; they don’t see the real
person inside.” You make excuses to family/friends.

If you can’t accept them for who they are now, get out now!
The 8 Categories of Relationships
That Won’t Work
2. YOU CARE MORE ABOUT THEM OR THEY CARE
ABOUT YOU.

Are you the one who usually reaches out for affection,
intimacy, date night, and fits into their schedule?

“Settling for crumbs” will end up making you feel
hungry for love, controlled, cheated, and miserable.

If they love you more, you will feel defensive,
pressured, and smothered by them like they are too
clingy or needy.
The 8 Categories of Relationships
That Won’t Work
3. YOU ARE ON A RESCUE MISSION
 You think you can solve your partner’s serious
emotional, physical or financial problems while
playing a parental or psychologist role.
 You tolerate or excuse bad behavior. “He
doesn’t mean to hit me.”
 You might be attracted to this “Imago,” if you
saw one of your parents or siblings ignored,
unloved, or mistreated. You find that person in
the form of a partner in need.
The 8 Categories of
Relationships That Won’t Work
4. YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH YOUR PARTNER
FOR EXTERNAL REASONS.
 Was it; Her brown eyes? The way he played
guitar? The way he looked in that uniform? Her
large breasts? The money he made?
 Ask yourself, “If they didn’t have this one
quality, would you still be ‘in love’?”
The 8 Categories of Relationships
That Won’t Work
5. YOU CHOOSE A PARTNER IN ORDER TO BE
REBELLIOUS

This is one of the worst reasons for starting a
relationship. Examples include…..

Your parents told you to marry somebody Jewish
and you only date protestants or your parents
emphasize money and you attract to the broke,
anti-establishment type or your parents are
conservative white people and you you’ve had three
African American boyfriends.

Make a list of the qualities your parents would want
you to attract to. Then make a list of your partner’s
qualities. If they are opposite, you are rebelling.
The 8 Categories of Relationships
That Won’t Work
6. YOU CHOOSE A PARTNER WHO IS THE OPPOSITE OF
YOUR PREVIOUS PARTNER.

You make the mistake of only looking for missing
qualities rather than making them an important but
incomplete part of an entire list of desired traits.

Examples include:
The 8 Categories of Relationships
That Won’t Work
7. YOUR PARTNER IS UNAVAILABLE

The partner tells you I’m in another relationship but
I’m leaving it soon, or I don’t love her and we’re not
intimate, or she knows about us and is okay with it.

You were probably abandoned as a child and repeat
this pattern of finding people who can’t be there for
you as well – the perfect Imago.

You could also be avoiding intimacy, or have low
self-esteem and don’t feel you deserve love.
The 8 Categories of Relationships
That Won’t Work
8. YOU HAVE PARTIAL COMPATIBILITY

Have you ever thought you met the right person
because you had something in common like yoga and
great sex for two months? Then did you find out later
that is all you had in common?

Remember the styles are the physical style, emotional
style, intellectual style, social style, sexual style,
communication style, spiritual style, personal growth
style, financial style, and Interests and Hobbies style.
Compatibility Destructors
1. Significant age difference between the two that is
over ten years
2. Different religious backgrounds
3. Different social, ethnic, or educational backgrounds
4. Toxic ex-spouse and or in-laws
5. Toxic stepchildren
6. A long distance relationship
The 8 Character Defects That Will
Ruin a Relationship
1. CHRONIC ANGER

The partner may be warm to you until they don’t get their
way. You have to tiptoe around the house and they
physically throw objects or verbally put you down. They
were either abused as a child or felt unloved and powerless.
2. ADDICTIONS

Whether it’s to alcohol, drugs, or whatever, it will take the
person’s time, attention and spirit away and ruin intimacy
between both of you. Behaviors include: unpredictable
anger, irresponsibility, bad moods and emotional deadness.

Tell your partner, you refuse to live with an addict unless
they get professional help immediately and stick to a plan.
The 8 Character Defects That Will
Ruin a Relationship
3. VICTIMHOOD

Does your partner often complain and pout about things? Do they blame parents, exmates and friends for their misfortunes?

Victims are experts at blaming others and not doing something to change a situation.
“It’s just no use.”
4. CONTROL FREAK

Do you feel criticized, judged, constantly “under the microscope”, and live in fear of
displeasing your partner?

This freak must make all the decisions while being highly possessive and jealous of
you.

You attract to them because you had a controlling mother or father, or you are a
victim looking for someone to do everything, or your last partner was passive and you
choose the opposite this time, or you were abused. Confront them and give them
consequences for not changing. They can sometimes be dangerous.
The 8 Character Defects That Will
Ruin a Relationship
5. SEXUAL PROBLEMS

There are 3 categories.

1. Sexual addictions where pornography, excess
masturbation, or the need for sex one or more times a day
causes major intimacy problems.

2. A lack of sexual integrity occurs when the partner flirts,
touches others’ private parts, makes sexual comments, and
of course infidelity ruins a relationship.

3. Sexual performance problems such as impotence that
lasts, premature ejaculation, and lack of interest in sex ruin
intimacy.

Suppressed anger and rage can cause impotence.
The 8 Character Defects That Will
Ruin a Relationship
6. IMMATURITY

This person can’t hold down a job, is careless with finances,
undependable, unmotivated, can be a “coach potato,” and
won’t want to grow up.

You end up being the parent reminding them to do things
which builds resentment and kills the passion. They are
usually rebelling against a past controlling parent or
authority figure.
7. RESENTMENT FROM A PAST RELATIONSHIP

They are still traumatized or hurt from a past relationship
that they project on to you or don’t learn from their
mistakes.
The 8 Character Defects That Will
Ruin a Relationship
8. EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY OR DAMAGE FROM
CHILDHOOD

Most people are emotionally blocked and need healing before they
are able to give and receive love.

This person cannot or will not talk about feelings causing problems
with intimacy and trust.

Find out how severe the damage was from childhood. Find out if
they are aware of it, how it affects relationships, and are they
actively working on healing themselves. Severe damage includes
sexual, verbal, or physical abuse, eating disorders, parental
abandonment from divorce, death, adoption, or suicide, parental
addiction to alcohol and drugs, religious fanaticism where the
person was taught they were evil, bad, and sex was dirty and sinful.
The 8 Qualities to Look For in a
Partner
 Most people look for personality traits e.g.
sense of humor, affectionate instead of
character traits e.g. positive, moral,
honesty, high self-esteem etc.
 Instead of asking, “Does my partner love
me? Ask “how capable is my partner at
giving and receiving love. Spend time
discovering if your partner fulfills each of
the 8 qualities to look for in a partner.
The 8 Qualities to Look For in a
Partner
1. COMMITMENT TO PERSONAL GROWTH AND EMOTIONAL
OPENNESS

The person strives to see their blind sports and the
emotional baggage brought into the relationship. Whether
it is becoming more patient, dealing with stress, treating
you better, or stopping smoking, you will ultimately respect
them.

Key Questions to Ask: What have you learned about yourself
emotionally in the past? If I asked your past partner their
biggest complaint about you, what would it be and would
you agree? What sources of help have you used in the past
and how do you cope with challenges? How would you like
to change or what qualities do you want in next five years?
The 8 Qualities to Look For in a
Partner
2. INTEGRITY

Have you ever had a partner that lies and never admits
they are wrong so they can have the “upper hand?”
Look for someone who is honest with themselves,
others, and with you.

Ask them, “Have you ever been lied to or betrayed in
a relationship?” or “Have you ever lied to or betrayed
someone?” or “If I asked your past partners if you were
honest and trustworthy, how would they answer and
why” or “Are you telling me the truth now?”
The 8 Qualities to Look For in a
Partner
3 MATURITY AND RESPONSIBILITY
 Can the person earn enough money to support themselves and
keep their living space relatively clean?
 Do they respect your feelings, your time, possessions,
boundaries, and other people’s feelings?
 Key Questions: “In what area of your life would you say you
are the most irresponsible?” or “Have you been fired from
your jobs and quit and for what reasons” or “Do you act
more as the caretaker in your relationships or as the one
who’s taken care of?”
The 8 Qualities to Look For in a
Partner
4. HIGH SELF-ESTEEM

Partners with low self-esteem don’t love and value
themselves leading to self-criticism, procrastination, allow
abuse, and don’t take risks to be successful in life.

High self-esteem partners take pride in who they are and
treat themselves, others, and their health very well.

Key Questions: “What are you most proud about in yourself
and your life?” or “What kind of emotional abuse have you
tolerated in the past and why?” or “What are your worst
health and living habits” or “What risks have you taken in
your life and are you avoiding any risks?
The 8 Qualities to Look For in a
Partner
5. POSITIVE ATTITUDE TOWARD LIFE

There are two kinds of people; positive and negative.
Negative people focus on problems, not solutions. They
complain a lot, they don’t trust easily, are cynical and
pessimistic, and allow fear and worry to rule them.

Positive people turn obstacles into learning lessons and
opportunities, and work through conflicts faster, with less
blame and more cooperation.

Key Questions: “What are some of the most important
lessons you’ve learned about pain in your life?” or “What is
your philosophy of life” or “How do you react when things
go wrong all at once.”
The 8 Qualities to Look For in a
Partner
6. SEXUAL CHEMISTRY

Sexual chemistry is your ability to get aroused by your
partner; you either feel the resonance or you don’t.
Unfortunately, we often feel it with the wrong people.

Gradual attraction occurs when the attraction is not just
based on your partner’s looks, but by who they are and
how you are with them.

Couples who were friends first have more successful and
satisfying marriages.

People who rationalize to themselves that is isn’t a big
deal that they don’t have sex or aren’t attracted to their
partner, make them ripe to have an extramarital affair.
The 8 Qualities to Look For in a
Partner
7. COMPATIBILITY
8. COMMITMENT

A successful committed relationship has sexual chemistry, compatibility, and
commitment. It doesn’t mean you stay in a relationship if there is abuse and
disrespect.

Commitment creates emotional safety where you can communicate your
vulnerabilities knowing you’ll be loved in return. It frees you from spending
your emotional energy in different directions of people and allows a focus on
one person.

Fear of commitment occurs when one fears being hurt again, being
imprisoned again, choosing the wrong person again, or fears turning out like
their parents.

Many commitment-hungry people rush into having children before stability in
the marriage exists.
When to Break a Committed
Relationship or Marriage
 It is time to end a relationship when one, you realize
you have no sexual chemistry, two, you are not
compatible, three, you and your partner have grown in
two different directions, and four, your partner refuses
to work on themselves and the relationship.
 The 60 second compatibility test:
1. Would I want to have a child with this person?
2. Would I want to have a child just like this person?
3. Do I want to become more like this person?
4. Would I be willing to spend my life with this person
if he or she never changed from the way they are now?
Keep in Mind…..
 All of us have emotional baggage we carry with us into
relationships. This presentation was not meant to scare you
away from having relationships or break off a relationship,
but for you to learn about the emotional background of your
partner as well as your own.
 The more you know about this partner, the better decision
you will make in deciding whether you should commit longterm or not. Or, if you are already in a long-term
relationship, you can address some of these issues with your
partner so you can improve your relationship.
 The adventure of LOVE requires great emotional courage and
demands that you risk, change, and grow so you can allow
LOVE to touch and heal you in places you’ve never known.

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