Are You Really In Love? Answer True or False…. I will only feel complete and whole when I’m with him/her. I will know the moment I see the person if he/she is the right one. If we love each other enough, nothing will break us up. I won’t ever be attracted to anyone else because of my love. We won’t have to work hard at the relationship if it’s true love. My partner will fulfill most or all of my needs and insecurities. The sex can’t be awesome unless it is true love. How Many True Responses Did You Have? Mostly True Your ideas about romantic love are so off that you have probably gotten your heart broken over and over again. You likely have an unrealistic and distorted view of love from watching TV, movies, reading novels, etc. You probably put your partner on too high of a pedestal. You may be afraid of conflict or blame your partner for letting you down. Mostly False You have a realistic understanding of love relationships and realize that love is not enough to make a relationship work. It takes common values, communication, hard work, and compatibility. Compatibility: How you resonate with your partner in different areas of life 1. Physical Style (appearance, personal fitness, and hygiene) 2. Emotional Style (attitude toward romance, affectionate, supportive, faithful) 3. Intellectual Style (educational background, enjoys learning, attitude toward world affairs, creativity) 4. Social Style (personality traits, interaction with others, sense of humor) 5. Sexual Style (enjoys sex, likes to cuddle, easily aroused with no hangups) 6. Communication Style (verbally articulate, good listener, attitude toward communication, expresses thoughts and feelings) Compatibility continued… 7. Spiritual Style (believes in God or higher power, has moral views, open to the mystical and different philosophies of life, compassionate toward less fortunate) 8. Personal Growth Style (attitude toward self-improvement, wants to learn about self and change for the better, sees own shortcomings, attends seminars) 9. Financial Style (relationship with money, attitude toward success, hard worker, ambitious career, honest and ethical, financially responsible) 10. Interests and Hobbies (enjoys music, dance, movies, travel, or whatever you are interested in). Romantic Love Myths LOVE CONQUERS ALL.........love is not enough. Is there sexual chemistry, fidelity, abuse, common religion, age? etc. THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUE LOVE OR SOUL MATE FOR YOU. LOVE OCCURS WHEN IT’S “LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.” These junkies often look for all the wrong qualities and overlook the right ones. YOU WILL BE COMPLETELY FULFILLED IN EVERY WAY. POWERFUL SEXUAL CHEMISTRY EQUALS LOVE. These love myths make us choose the wrong people and fail in our relations. Origins of Love Choice Decisions Childhood Experience Love Choice Decision Mom and Dad always fought I have to be good/not get angry so I don’t make people mad. My parents got divorced when I was young. I’m not lovable enough and it is my fault. Dad was never home and cheated. Mom was a “rage-aholic” and moody. Men can’t be trusted and women are doormats. It’s not safe to express myself. I can’t make people upset. Why Do We Attract to Others? Why would you attract to somebody who was: emotionally unavailable, abusive, immature, dramatic? Have you ever vowed to never get involved with the same type of boyfriend/girlfriend as you had before? We consciously seek out positive qualities of our parents and unconsciously seek out the negative qualities so we can heal ourselves and become whole. A man who had a critical mother will attract to a woman who is critical so he can heal that part of him. We have this “love Image” that we project onto our partner and exaggerate the likenesses, diminish the differences, and distort the truth so they will fit into this image. We attract to the same level of health in somebody that we are at. The 6 Wrong Reasons for Starting a Relationship 1. PRESSURE FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS (age pressure) 2. LONELINESS AND DESPERATION (poor love choices) 3. DISTRACTION FROM YOUR OWN LIFE (avoiding conflict) 4. TO AVOID GROWING UP (want to be cared for) 5. FEELINGS OF GUILT (don’t want to hurt their feelings) 6. TO FILL AN EMOTIONAL OR SPIRITUAL EMPTINESS (you’ll remain empty if you don’t fill it yourself) The 8 Categories of Relationships That Won’t Work 1. YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH YOUR PARTNER’S POTENTIAL – “Do you find yourself saying………… “My partner just needs more time to get it together.” “I seem to believe in them more than they do.” “They will be devastated if I leave them now.” “My love can change them.” “Everyone misunderstands my partner; they don’t see the real person inside.” You make excuses to family/friends. If you can’t accept them for who they are now, get out now! The 8 Categories of Relationships That Won’t Work 2. YOU CARE MORE ABOUT THEM OR THEY CARE ABOUT YOU. Are you the one who usually reaches out for affection, intimacy, date night, and fits into their schedule? “Settling for crumbs” will end up making you feel hungry for love, controlled, cheated, and miserable. If they love you more, you will feel defensive, pressured, and smothered by them like they are too clingy or needy. The 8 Categories of Relationships That Won’t Work 3. YOU ARE ON A RESCUE MISSION You think you can solve your partner’s serious emotional, physical or financial problems while playing a parental or psychologist role. You tolerate or excuse bad behavior. “He doesn’t mean to hit me.” You might be attracted to this “Imago,” if you saw one of your parents or siblings ignored, unloved, or mistreated. You find that person in the form of a partner in need. The 8 Categories of Relationships That Won’t Work 4. YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH YOUR PARTNER FOR EXTERNAL REASONS. Was it; Her brown eyes? The way he played guitar? The way he looked in that uniform? Her large breasts? The money he made? Ask yourself, “If they didn’t have this one quality, would you still be ‘in love’?” The 8 Categories of Relationships That Won’t Work 5. YOU CHOOSE A PARTNER IN ORDER TO BE REBELLIOUS This is one of the worst reasons for starting a relationship. Examples include….. Your parents told you to marry somebody Jewish and you only date protestants or your parents emphasize money and you attract to the broke, anti-establishment type or your parents are conservative white people and you you’ve had three African American boyfriends. Make a list of the qualities your parents would want you to attract to. Then make a list of your partner’s qualities. If they are opposite, you are rebelling. The 8 Categories of Relationships That Won’t Work 6. YOU CHOOSE A PARTNER WHO IS THE OPPOSITE OF YOUR PREVIOUS PARTNER. You make the mistake of only looking for missing qualities rather than making them an important but incomplete part of an entire list of desired traits. Examples include: The 8 Categories of Relationships That Won’t Work 7. YOUR PARTNER IS UNAVAILABLE The partner tells you I’m in another relationship but I’m leaving it soon, or I don’t love her and we’re not intimate, or she knows about us and is okay with it. You were probably abandoned as a child and repeat this pattern of finding people who can’t be there for you as well – the perfect Imago. You could also be avoiding intimacy, or have low self-esteem and don’t feel you deserve love. The 8 Categories of Relationships That Won’t Work 8. YOU HAVE PARTIAL COMPATIBILITY Have you ever thought you met the right person because you had something in common like yoga and great sex for two months? Then did you find out later that is all you had in common? Remember the styles are the physical style, emotional style, intellectual style, social style, sexual style, communication style, spiritual style, personal growth style, financial style, and Interests and Hobbies style. Compatibility Destructors 1. Significant age difference between the two that is over ten years 2. Different religious backgrounds 3. Different social, ethnic, or educational backgrounds 4. Toxic ex-spouse and or in-laws 5. Toxic stepchildren 6. A long distance relationship The 8 Character Defects That Will Ruin a Relationship 1. CHRONIC ANGER The partner may be warm to you until they don’t get their way. You have to tiptoe around the house and they physically throw objects or verbally put you down. They were either abused as a child or felt unloved and powerless. 2. ADDICTIONS Whether it’s to alcohol, drugs, or whatever, it will take the person’s time, attention and spirit away and ruin intimacy between both of you. Behaviors include: unpredictable anger, irresponsibility, bad moods and emotional deadness. Tell your partner, you refuse to live with an addict unless they get professional help immediately and stick to a plan. The 8 Character Defects That Will Ruin a Relationship 3. VICTIMHOOD Does your partner often complain and pout about things? Do they blame parents, exmates and friends for their misfortunes? Victims are experts at blaming others and not doing something to change a situation. “It’s just no use.” 4. CONTROL FREAK Do you feel criticized, judged, constantly “under the microscope”, and live in fear of displeasing your partner? This freak must make all the decisions while being highly possessive and jealous of you. You attract to them because you had a controlling mother or father, or you are a victim looking for someone to do everything, or your last partner was passive and you choose the opposite this time, or you were abused. Confront them and give them consequences for not changing. They can sometimes be dangerous. The 8 Character Defects That Will Ruin a Relationship 5. SEXUAL PROBLEMS There are 3 categories. 1. Sexual addictions where pornography, excess masturbation, or the need for sex one or more times a day causes major intimacy problems. 2. A lack of sexual integrity occurs when the partner flirts, touches others’ private parts, makes sexual comments, and of course infidelity ruins a relationship. 3. Sexual performance problems such as impotence that lasts, premature ejaculation, and lack of interest in sex ruin intimacy. Suppressed anger and rage can cause impotence. The 8 Character Defects That Will Ruin a Relationship 6. IMMATURITY This person can’t hold down a job, is careless with finances, undependable, unmotivated, can be a “coach potato,” and won’t want to grow up. You end up being the parent reminding them to do things which builds resentment and kills the passion. They are usually rebelling against a past controlling parent or authority figure. 7. RESENTMENT FROM A PAST RELATIONSHIP They are still traumatized or hurt from a past relationship that they project on to you or don’t learn from their mistakes. The 8 Character Defects That Will Ruin a Relationship 8. EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY OR DAMAGE FROM CHILDHOOD Most people are emotionally blocked and need healing before they are able to give and receive love. This person cannot or will not talk about feelings causing problems with intimacy and trust. Find out how severe the damage was from childhood. Find out if they are aware of it, how it affects relationships, and are they actively working on healing themselves. Severe damage includes sexual, verbal, or physical abuse, eating disorders, parental abandonment from divorce, death, adoption, or suicide, parental addiction to alcohol and drugs, religious fanaticism where the person was taught they were evil, bad, and sex was dirty and sinful. The 8 Qualities to Look For in a Partner Most people look for personality traits e.g. sense of humor, affectionate instead of character traits e.g. positive, moral, honesty, high self-esteem etc. Instead of asking, “Does my partner love me? Ask “how capable is my partner at giving and receiving love. Spend time discovering if your partner fulfills each of the 8 qualities to look for in a partner. The 8 Qualities to Look For in a Partner 1. COMMITMENT TO PERSONAL GROWTH AND EMOTIONAL OPENNESS The person strives to see their blind sports and the emotional baggage brought into the relationship. Whether it is becoming more patient, dealing with stress, treating you better, or stopping smoking, you will ultimately respect them. Key Questions to Ask: What have you learned about yourself emotionally in the past? If I asked your past partner their biggest complaint about you, what would it be and would you agree? What sources of help have you used in the past and how do you cope with challenges? How would you like to change or what qualities do you want in next five years? The 8 Qualities to Look For in a Partner 2. INTEGRITY Have you ever had a partner that lies and never admits they are wrong so they can have the “upper hand?” Look for someone who is honest with themselves, others, and with you. Ask them, “Have you ever been lied to or betrayed in a relationship?” or “Have you ever lied to or betrayed someone?” or “If I asked your past partners if you were honest and trustworthy, how would they answer and why” or “Are you telling me the truth now?” The 8 Qualities to Look For in a Partner 3 MATURITY AND RESPONSIBILITY Can the person earn enough money to support themselves and keep their living space relatively clean? Do they respect your feelings, your time, possessions, boundaries, and other people’s feelings? Key Questions: “In what area of your life would you say you are the most irresponsible?” or “Have you been fired from your jobs and quit and for what reasons” or “Do you act more as the caretaker in your relationships or as the one who’s taken care of?” The 8 Qualities to Look For in a Partner 4. HIGH SELF-ESTEEM Partners with low self-esteem don’t love and value themselves leading to self-criticism, procrastination, allow abuse, and don’t take risks to be successful in life. High self-esteem partners take pride in who they are and treat themselves, others, and their health very well. Key Questions: “What are you most proud about in yourself and your life?” or “What kind of emotional abuse have you tolerated in the past and why?” or “What are your worst health and living habits” or “What risks have you taken in your life and are you avoiding any risks? The 8 Qualities to Look For in a Partner 5. POSITIVE ATTITUDE TOWARD LIFE There are two kinds of people; positive and negative. Negative people focus on problems, not solutions. They complain a lot, they don’t trust easily, are cynical and pessimistic, and allow fear and worry to rule them. Positive people turn obstacles into learning lessons and opportunities, and work through conflicts faster, with less blame and more cooperation. Key Questions: “What are some of the most important lessons you’ve learned about pain in your life?” or “What is your philosophy of life” or “How do you react when things go wrong all at once.” The 8 Qualities to Look For in a Partner 6. SEXUAL CHEMISTRY Sexual chemistry is your ability to get aroused by your partner; you either feel the resonance or you don’t. Unfortunately, we often feel it with the wrong people. Gradual attraction occurs when the attraction is not just based on your partner’s looks, but by who they are and how you are with them. Couples who were friends first have more successful and satisfying marriages. People who rationalize to themselves that is isn’t a big deal that they don’t have sex or aren’t attracted to their partner, make them ripe to have an extramarital affair. The 8 Qualities to Look For in a Partner 7. COMPATIBILITY 8. COMMITMENT A successful committed relationship has sexual chemistry, compatibility, and commitment. It doesn’t mean you stay in a relationship if there is abuse and disrespect. Commitment creates emotional safety where you can communicate your vulnerabilities knowing you’ll be loved in return. It frees you from spending your emotional energy in different directions of people and allows a focus on one person. Fear of commitment occurs when one fears being hurt again, being imprisoned again, choosing the wrong person again, or fears turning out like their parents. Many commitment-hungry people rush into having children before stability in the marriage exists. When to Break a Committed Relationship or Marriage It is time to end a relationship when one, you realize you have no sexual chemistry, two, you are not compatible, three, you and your partner have grown in two different directions, and four, your partner refuses to work on themselves and the relationship. The 60 second compatibility test: 1. Would I want to have a child with this person? 2. Would I want to have a child just like this person? 3. Do I want to become more like this person? 4. Would I be willing to spend my life with this person if he or she never changed from the way they are now? Keep in Mind….. All of us have emotional baggage we carry with us into relationships. This presentation was not meant to scare you away from having relationships or break off a relationship, but for you to learn about the emotional background of your partner as well as your own. The more you know about this partner, the better decision you will make in deciding whether you should commit longterm or not. Or, if you are already in a long-term relationship, you can address some of these issues with your partner so you can improve your relationship. The adventure of LOVE requires great emotional courage and demands that you risk, change, and grow so you can allow LOVE to touch and heal you in places you’ve never known.