Orientation day th November 14 2013 Presented by Sheryl Moncur (School Counsellor) AGE/STAGE DEVELOPMENT PARENTING STYLES COMMUNICATION Adolescence is the stage of a person’s life between childhood and adulthood. When a young person must move from dependency to independence. The young person moves from being part of a family group to being part of a peer group and to standing alone as an adult. Differentiation and Individuation begin Forming a positive identity Establishing a set of good friends Breaking the emotional bonds that bound them to their adult carers Setting meaningful vocational goals (mid – late stagers) Need a sense of continuity going forward – to invest and cultivate a future –hopeful and resilient thinking Three Stages of Adolescence Early (Am I normal? Where do I fit?) The stage which can throw parents off balance, especially with eldest child. Physical, emotional and mental challenges Very self-conscious, overly sensitive about themselves, worrying about personal qualities or ‘defects’ that loom large to them Middle (Who am I?) Late (Where am I going?) PHYSICAL & SEXUAL CHANGES Onset of puberty – physical changes including weight, height, shape, menstruation, ejaculation, breast development, voice changes, body hair. Not all parts of the body grow and develop at the same rate: hands and feet grow faster than arms and legs. One in five adolescents experiences growing pains usually at night, in their shins, calves and thighs. Issues of personal and sexual identity will arise as hormones cascade relentlessly through young bodies; difficulties for some in a homophobic society. Sexual experimentation with others, masturbation and fantasy typical during early adolescence (10 – 14) Hormones will influence the emotional state of adolescents, and act in concert with social and familial influences. COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT Entered period of concrete operations by onset of puberty: ~deductive reasoning, capacity to reason, anticipate consequences of actions, recognising difference between abstract and concrete, analyse fiction, can edit personal work, can present own beliefs to peers, parents, school, can problem solve BUT pre-frontal cortex (executive functioning in brain) not developed fully – decision making and risk taking affected – like they are accelerating with no the brakes . . . 8 SOCIAL, EMOTIONAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES Interested in and affected by the belief systems and norms of friends – group think; reluctance to be involved in family events May be less welcoming of affection from parents Anxiety and confusion may emerge for some – Am I normal? Am I ok? Where do I fit? Use of social networking devices – needs clear boundaries from home; parents could become tech savvy to understand the world of their child. Delayed gratification rewards: for hard work, sporting practice etc BEHAVIOURS Back chat, Can see bigger picture Self- righteousness might feature “This is so unfair.” Comparison to other families – “They don’t do that in Josh’s family!” “You can’t make me” – direct challenges Will point out double standards - bush lawyer tendencies Friends become more important than family S E PARATE N E S S vs CONNECTEDNESS PARENTING STYLES One influential model classifies parenting styles on TWO DIMENSIONS: * Degree of Demandingness (control, expectations, boundaries and limit setting) Degree of Involvement (close interest, responsive to needs, affection, active interest) Permissive High I Low D Authoritative High I High D Disengaged Low I Low D Authoritarian Low I High D 1. Authoritative (high demand, high involvement) produces the most well adjusted children by combining firm discipline with nurturing child care. These parents: *are loving, consistent and willing to listen to their children *believe in strict discipline, physical affection and spoken approval *invite children’s participation in the process of limit setting *consistently enforce rules which are set *have reasons and explanations for parental rules *have high expectations for responsible and mature behaviour Remember: When parents have differing styles, that can become an issue and create a wedge between the parents and the children. Adolescents need their parents to be parents, not to be best friends or buddies. (This can come later in life!!) Parents need to be united and highly communicative with each other and with their children, if together or apart. Families are not democracies: they should be benevolent dictatorships with built in flexibility as teens develop Limit setting should begin from early childhood, because by the time adolescence arrives, it may be too late, due to the motivation and natural inclination to individuate and differentiate in the adolescent. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT Only argue over things that matter: curfews, respect, threats to family etc. (No one ever died from an untidy room.) Let some things go through to the keeper. Keep calm: yelling achieves nothing and produces young people who shout back and become “parent-deafTalk while doing other things: walking dog, doing dishes etc. Talk less, listen more. When broaching a concern – use “I notice, I wonder, I imagine” – invitations for genuine responses Include your MS in decisions being made about them Use humour Don’t use ultimatums: they are a trap for you and your child. Pick the right moment for both of you and focus on the current situation and what needs to be done. Don’t assess their behaviour as if they are adults. Be your child’s greatest fan: catch them doing something good: remember the 1:5 ratio of negative to positive feedback Plan ahead regarding boundaries/limits in future – embed wriggle room for the future Ritualise family activities – ask your children for suggestions; record the history of these occasions, create healthy Rites of Passage, Brand the family. COMMUNICATING WITH TEENS or RELATIONSHIP BUILDING Conflict resolution Assertive style Active Listening Using I statements Model behaviours you expect in others including positive/productive coping techs Model optimistic, resilient thinking Do’s and Don’ts when Conflict Arises DO’S DO state your feelings DO listen attentively and get the facts; acknowledge their feelings, experience and point of view. DO remember that aggression/violence never acceptable. DO apologise if you lose it; model humility. 20 DON’TS. . . DON’T overact, or under-react. DON’T engage in character assassination (separate behaviour from person) DON’T accuse, insult or talk down to them. DON’T try to control or feel you must always “win”: it’s ok to concede sometimes (again model this behaviour). Examples of healthy, respectful communication ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION is not aggressive or passive, or dominated by ultimatums win-win result, problem solving needs of both are met may involve compromise and wriggle room is respectful acknowledges that anger is a secondary emotion which has a function and which can be channelled positively 22 I statements: 3 fold assertive units of communication; no shame or blame involved; attempt at win-win, problem solving outcome. Eg: When I don’t know where you’ve been all afternoon, I get really worried. Next time, please give me a call after school so we can discuss any new arrangements. Active Listening a means to allow & encourage communication of needs shows interest validates feelings responds to feelings, not behaviour encourages the person to talk it out, not act it out Eg. You criticize every thing I do! I can’t do anything right in your eyes. I’m sorry you feel as if I’ve been so critical. Can you please help me understand what you mean? Tell me more? Eg. You don’t care about me! Caring about you is my number one priority. You’re really annoyed with me. How can I help? What’s happening for you at the moment. Remember to acknowledge feelings first and ask how you can help, support, be of assistance, offer your heartfelt apologies (if necessary). Some lines for diffusing conflict: We’re getting upset. Let’s leave it now and talk later. Let me see if I’ve understood. I think you’re saying you feel ... Don’t forget I’m on your side. Or: We’re both on the same team here. Let’s finish the argument now, but I want you to have the last word. I don’t mean to intrude, but I wonder if there’s anything I can do to help you at the moment. Coping Strategies Productive: focus on solving problem, focus on the +, work hard and achieve, seek relaxing diversions, physical recreation, accept my best efforts Non-Productive: not coping, worrying, ignoring problem, wishful thinking, getting sick, abusing drugs, alcohol, give up, withdraw, act out, self-blame, refusal to seek help Reference to Others: invest in close friends, seek social support, seek professional help, seek to belong, seek spiritual support, maintain sense of humour How to Hug a Porcupine Julie A Ross Surviving Adolescents Michael Carr-Gregg Adolescence: a guide for parents Carr-Gregg & Shale Raising Resilient Children Brooks & Goldstein What to do when you children turn into Teenagers and You Can’t Make Me Bennet and Rowe Growing Great Boys Ian Grant He’ll Be Ok Celia Lashlie Queen Bees and Wannabees Rosalind Wiseman Anything by Steve Biddulph Teenage as a Second Language Greenberg & Powell-Lunder Anything by Andrew Fuller 28 Websites, Helplines etc Parenting WA Line - 6279 1200 (metro) or 1800 654 432 http://www.communities.wa.gov.au/childrenandfamilies/ parentingwa/Pages/ParentingWALine.aspx www.cyh.com South Australia – excellent site Headspace – many useful resources GSG Website – Counsellor Section where you’ll find this ppt plus more!!