Orientation day November 14th 2013

Report
Orientation day
th
November 14 2013
Presented by Sheryl Moncur (School Counsellor)
AGE/STAGE
DEVELOPMENT
PARENTING STYLES
COMMUNICATION

Adolescence is the stage of a
person’s life between
childhood and adulthood.

When a young person must
move from dependency to
independence.

The young person moves
from being part of a family
group to being part of a peer
group and to standing alone
as an adult.

Differentiation and
Individuation begin

Forming a positive identity

Establishing a set of good
friends

Breaking the emotional
bonds that bound them to
their adult carers

Setting meaningful
vocational goals (mid – late
stagers)

Need a sense of continuity
going forward – to invest and
cultivate a future –hopeful
and resilient thinking
Three Stages of Adolescence
 Early
(Am I normal? Where do I fit?)
 The stage which can throw parents off
balance, especially with eldest child.
 Physical, emotional and mental challenges
 Very self-conscious, overly sensitive about
themselves, worrying about personal qualities
or ‘defects’ that loom large to them
 Middle
(Who am I?)
 Late (Where am I going?)
PHYSICAL & SEXUAL CHANGES






Onset of puberty – physical changes including weight,
height, shape, menstruation, ejaculation, breast
development, voice changes, body hair.
Not all parts of the body grow and develop at the
same rate: hands and feet grow faster than arms and
legs.
One in five adolescents experiences growing pains
usually at night, in their shins, calves and thighs.
Issues of personal and sexual identity will arise as
hormones cascade relentlessly through young bodies;
difficulties for some in a homophobic society.
Sexual experimentation with others, masturbation
and fantasy typical during early adolescence (10 – 14)
Hormones will influence the emotional state of
adolescents, and act in concert with social and
familial influences.
COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT
Entered period of concrete operations by onset of
puberty:
~deductive reasoning, capacity to reason,
anticipate consequences of actions, recognising
difference between abstract and concrete, analyse
fiction, can edit personal work, can present own
beliefs to peers, parents, school, can problem solve
BUT pre-frontal cortex (executive functioning in
brain) not developed fully – decision making and
risk taking affected – like they are accelerating
with no the brakes . . .
8
SOCIAL, EMOTIONAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES
Interested in and affected by the belief systems
and norms of friends – group think; reluctance to
be involved in family events
 May be less welcoming of affection from parents
 Anxiety and confusion may emerge for some – Am
I normal? Am I ok? Where do I fit?
 Use of social networking devices – needs clear
boundaries from home; parents could become
tech savvy to understand the world of their child.
 Delayed gratification rewards: for hard work,
sporting practice etc

BEHAVIOURS

Back chat,

Can see bigger picture

Self- righteousness might feature “This is so
unfair.”

Comparison to other families – “They don’t do
that in Josh’s family!”

“You can’t make me” – direct challenges

Will point out double standards - bush lawyer
tendencies

Friends become more important than family
S E PARATE N E S S
vs
CONNECTEDNESS
PARENTING STYLES
One influential model classifies parenting
styles on TWO DIMENSIONS:
*
Degree of Demandingness (control,
expectations, boundaries and limit
setting)
Degree of Involvement (close interest,
responsive to needs, affection, active
interest)
Permissive
High I
Low D
Authoritative
High I
High D
Disengaged
Low I
Low D
Authoritarian
Low I
High D
1.
Authoritative (high demand, high involvement) produces
the most well adjusted children by combining firm
discipline with nurturing child care. These parents:
*are loving, consistent and willing to listen to their
children
*believe in strict discipline, physical affection and spoken
approval
*invite children’s participation in the process of limit
setting
*consistently enforce rules which are set
*have reasons and explanations for parental rules
*have high expectations for responsible and mature
behaviour

Remember:

When parents have differing styles, that can become an
issue and create a wedge between the parents and the
children.

Adolescents need their parents to be parents, not to be
best friends or buddies. (This can come later in life!!)

Parents need to be united and highly communicative with
each other and with their children, if together or apart.

Families are not democracies: they should be benevolent
dictatorships with built in flexibility as teens develop

Limit setting should begin from early childhood, because
by the time adolescence arrives, it may be too late, due
to the motivation and natural inclination to individuate
and differentiate in the adolescent.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Only argue over things that matter: curfews, respect,
threats to family etc. (No one ever died from an untidy
room.) Let some things go through to the keeper.

Keep calm: yelling achieves nothing and produces young
people who shout back and become “parent-deafTalk
while doing other things: walking dog, doing dishes etc.

Talk less, listen more.

When broaching a concern – use “I notice, I wonder, I
imagine” – invitations for genuine responses

Include your MS in decisions being made about them

Use humour

Don’t use ultimatums: they are a trap for you and
your child.

Pick the right moment for both of you and focus
on the current situation and what needs to be
done.

Don’t assess their behaviour as if they are adults.

Be your child’s greatest fan: catch them doing
something good: remember the 1:5 ratio of
negative to positive feedback

Plan ahead regarding boundaries/limits in future –
embed wriggle room for the future

Ritualise family activities – ask your children for
suggestions; record the history of these occasions,
create healthy Rites of Passage, Brand the family.
COMMUNICATING WITH TEENS or
RELATIONSHIP BUILDING
Conflict
resolution
Assertive style
Active Listening
Using I statements
Model behaviours you expect in
others including positive/productive
coping techs
Model optimistic, resilient thinking
Do’s and Don’ts when Conflict Arises
DO’S

DO state your feelings

DO listen attentively and get the facts; acknowledge
their feelings, experience and point of view.

DO remember that aggression/violence never
acceptable.

DO apologise if you lose it; model humility.
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DON’TS. . .

DON’T overact, or under-react.

DON’T engage in character assassination
(separate behaviour from person)

DON’T accuse, insult or talk down to them.

DON’T try to control or feel you must always
“win”: it’s ok to concede sometimes (again model
this behaviour).
Examples of healthy, respectful
communication
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION






is not aggressive or passive, or dominated by ultimatums
win-win result, problem solving
needs of both are met
may involve compromise and wriggle room
is respectful
acknowledges that anger is a secondary emotion which
has a function and which can be channelled positively
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I statements:
3
fold assertive units of communication;
no shame or blame involved; attempt at
win-win, problem solving outcome.
 Eg:
When I don’t know where you’ve
been all afternoon, I get really worried.
Next time, please give me a call after
school so we can discuss any new
arrangements.
Active Listening

a means to allow & encourage communication of needs

shows interest

validates feelings

responds to feelings, not behaviour

encourages the person to talk it out, not act it out
Eg. You criticize every thing I do! I can’t do anything right in
your eyes.
I’m sorry you feel as if I’ve been so critical. Can you
please help me understand what you mean? Tell me more?
Eg.
You don’t care about me!
Caring about you is my number one
priority. You’re really annoyed with me. How
can I help? What’s happening for you at the
moment.

Remember to acknowledge feelings first and
ask how you can help, support, be of
assistance, offer your heartfelt apologies (if
necessary).
Some lines for diffusing conflict:

We’re getting upset. Let’s leave it now and talk later.

Let me see if I’ve understood. I think you’re saying you feel
...

Don’t forget I’m on your side. Or: We’re both on the same
team here.

Let’s finish the argument now, but I want you to have the
last word.

I don’t mean to intrude, but I wonder if there’s anything I
can do to help you at the moment.
Coping Strategies
Productive: focus on solving problem, focus on the +,
work hard and achieve, seek relaxing diversions,
physical recreation, accept my best efforts
Non-Productive: not coping, worrying, ignoring
problem, wishful thinking, getting sick, abusing drugs,
alcohol, give up, withdraw, act out, self-blame, refusal
to seek help
Reference to Others: invest in close friends, seek
social support, seek professional help, seek to belong,
seek spiritual support, maintain sense of humour
How to Hug a Porcupine Julie A Ross
Surviving Adolescents Michael Carr-Gregg
Adolescence: a guide for parents Carr-Gregg & Shale
Raising Resilient Children Brooks & Goldstein
What to do when you children turn into Teenagers and You
Can’t Make Me Bennet and Rowe
Growing Great Boys Ian Grant
He’ll Be Ok Celia Lashlie
Queen Bees and Wannabees Rosalind Wiseman
Anything by Steve Biddulph
Teenage as a Second Language Greenberg & Powell-Lunder
Anything by Andrew Fuller
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Websites, Helplines etc
Parenting WA Line - 6279 1200 (metro) or
1800 654 432
http://www.communities.wa.gov.au/childrenandfamilies/
parentingwa/Pages/ParentingWALine.aspx
www.cyh.com South Australia – excellent site
Headspace – many useful resources
GSG Website – Counsellor Section where you’ll find this ppt plus more!!

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