9 Things You Simply Must Do

By Dr. Henry Cloud
Dig It Up
Pull the Tooth
Play the Movie
Do Something
Act Like an Ant
Hate Well
Don’t Play Fair
Be Humble
Upset the Right People
They Move Forward
They did not stay stuck, repeating the same
mistakes over and over again
They reached their goals and found what they
were looking for in life.
Story of the architects – pg 20-24
A déjà vu person spends time listening to what
lies deep inside, looking for it, digging it up,
and putting it into practice.
He/She finds what lays deep in his/her heart,
below the surface, and invests it in their life.
A déjà vu person:
 Becomes aware of his/her dreams, desires,
talents and other treasures of their soul.
 Listens to them and values them as life itself.
 Takes steps to develop them, beginning in very
small ways.
 Seeks coaching and help to make them grow.
Buried Treasure
Traumatic Events
Lack of resources
Lack of opportunities
There is no shortage of things in life that can cause you to bury your
heart and soul.
A relationship
A career
Being part of a neighborhood or community
A fulfilling hobby or skill
Service and volunteer for a good cause
Church and spiritual pursuits
Creative pursuits
It is our job to dig up whatever potential we have in whatever situation we are in,
and to invest it and see it grow.
Not all things buried are treasures:
 Resentment
 Anger
 Conflict
Your job is to dig it all up and then do one of two
things with it:
 Sow it (Plant it, water it, fertilize it)
 Throw it away
Successful people don’t hold on to bad stuff for
They do not allow negative things to take up
space – draining them of energy & resources.
If tooth is infected – pull it – immediately!
Unresolved Problems
Things that are not bad – but not profitable or
Fear of someone’s anger or hurt
Fear of judgment or disapproval
Fear of loosing the relationship – or love
Fear of confronting
Guilty feelings when confronting or dealing
with consequences
Lack of knowledge or skills with conflict
Inability to let go
Level 1: Spring Cleaning
Level 2: Facing Things: Fix it or let it go
Pulling the tooth – getting rid of a painful
problem – has added benefit of making room
for a positive alternative.
Pay Now, Play Later
Play Now, Pay Later
Story – “The Watch”(pg 69-70)
Déjà vu people rarely take any action without
considering its future implication. They know
how each scene contributes to the film’s good
Does a particular scene alter the plot?
Does it take you to a scene you don’t want to
live out?
Does it cause the movie to have a different
Lawyer story – pg 73
Is your Movie a rerun?
Unhealthy relationship
Insanity – Doing the same thing over and over
and expecting different results.
The program works if you work the program.
Playing the movie = motivation
vision for the future
There are no passengers on spaceship earth.
We are all crew.
- Marshall McLuhan
You may always expect that someone else is
going to make the first move to create the
solution. And if they do not, you stay stuck in
the problem, resentful and wishing life were
treating you better.
Déjà vu people ask themselves the question: What
can I do to make this situation better?
Locus of Control
To own my life means that it is mine and no other
person’s. I can blame no one for what I do with
it. I can blame them for what they do to me,
but I cannot blame them for what I do with
what they do to me.
The Gift of Freedoms
Emotional Reactions
When you have a great and difficult task,
something perhaps almost impossible, if you
only work a little at a time, every day a little,
suddenly the work will finish itself.
Isak Dinesen
The ant is small
The activity of any
individual ant seems
to have little impact.
They achieve their
goals by taking tiny
steps over time.
They don’t get
overwhelmed by the
big picture.
1) I have never succeeded before, in spite of
many attempts
2) The distance from here to there is too great
3) The goal is just too big
4) There are too messed up to have any hope
5) I don’t have the skills
6) I don’t have the resources (money, etc.)
7) I don’t have the time to accomplish it
What do you think that means?
What we love says what we will invest in, go for,
move toward, give time and resources to, and
orient ourselves toward with the best parts of
who we are.
Character is in part formed by what we hate,
because we move to be different from whatever
that is.
Our Hatred Protects the Good
First, hate helps us to move against certain
traits and issues
Second, hate causes us to protect what we
Third, hate moves us to destroy/get rid of the
bad things that threaten the good.
Hate in a way that solves problems – not creates
Successful people move against the problem and
show love and respect to the person at the same
Immune System
Autoimmune = the immune system starts attacking the body itself instead
of the disease
Successful people tend to hate in a certain way that does what a good
immune system is suppose to do; it preserves life.
Non-successful people often fail because their hatred is not serving
them or the things that they care about. Instead, it is doing the
opposite – attacking and destroying the very things they care about.
I learned that if I refused
to allow the really
difficult people above
me to get to me, and
instead found out
how to resolve the
problems they faced, I
always became
valuable to them.
You Get What You Accept
T. Pence
Playing fair will destroy every relationship you
have in your life.
What Does That Mean?
Playing fair means giving back what you are
given: treatment - a hit, a remark, a jab….
Successful people give back better than they
are given.
Ask yourself what is most helpful
Get past your own need
Grace = unmerited/undeserved favor
Pride is concerned with who is right.
Humility is concerned with what is right.
Ezra Taft Benson
Soap Story – pg 189-191
Webster definition of humble: 1: not proud or
haughty; not arrogant or assertive; 2: reflecting,
expressing or offered in a spirit of deference or
submission (a humble apology); 3 a: ranking
low in a hierarchy or scale; insignificant,
unpretentious, b: not costly or luxurious.
Humility is not having a need to be more than
you are.
How does humility contribute to success?
Humility identifies with others
Humility allows us to accept our own failures and
mistakes as part of the processes itself.
Successful people show kindness, understanding,
and help to others who fail.
Successful people admit quickly when they are
Successful people receive correction and
confrontation from others well
Giving It Up and Gaining It All
Seek to listen and understand others
Get rid of defensiveness
Serve the people “under” you
Root out attitude of entitlement
Embrace your weaknesses & imperfections
Use failure as a teacher and friend
Be humble
I cannot give you the formula for success, but I
can give you the formula for failure, which is
try to please everybody.
Herbert Bayard Swope
Déjà vu people do not make decisions based on
the fear of other people.
What you should do, and what someone’s
response is going to be, are two very different
Situations that may be tough:
 Firing a person
 Confronting a person
 Saying no to a request that involves time, energy,
money or other resources
 Saying no because it violates one of your values
 Telling someone he/she has overstayed their
 Telling someone the truth that may be hard to
 Breaking up with someone you are dating
The Difference between hurt and harm (p 222)
There is a direct correlation with people who are
out of control in their lives and their hatred of
the word no. (p 226)
Loss of approval or love
Do not got it alone.
Receive wisdom
Receive feedback and correction
Find models
Review your patterns
Deal with Impediments
Add structure
Practice, practice, practice and fail
Change your beliefs
Quarantine your weaknesses
Put your visions and goals on paper

similar documents